Van Der Kolk amazes me with his thoughts, reflections, and personal experiences with the clients that he has treated. However, he also leaves me with questions and puzzling thoughts. How does one become so knowledgeable in trauma treatment? While I know it took years of education, experience, and practice - I don't think I will ever get his level.
Chapter 17 reminded me a lot of my girl, Kate. I see her in the quote on page 280, " it is much more productive to see aggression or depression, arrogance, or passivity as learned behaviors: somewhere along the line, the patient came to believe that he or she could survive only if she or she was tough, invisible or absent, or that is was safer to give up". Kate appears to show aggression as displayed by her tough and defiant actions. While she may certainly be afraid, she doesn't appear to show it on the outside. She is tougher than most, and sadly it is not because she wants to be, but because for so long she had to be. I also often worry about Kate's future. I believe that she will be equipped to take on the world, however, the text also states, "if you were abused as a child, you are likely to shave a childlike part living inside you that is frozen in time, still holding fast to this kind of self-loathing and denial" (p.281). I don't want this for her, but I cannot erase her past history. Instead, I hope that my work with her may leave her feeling known, seen, and loved. And yet, I need to be mindful of what Van Der Kolk states later in the chapter- " trying to control a child's behavior while failing to address the underlying issue - the abuse- leads to treatments that are ineffective at best and harmful at worst" (p. 284).
I also found IFS or internal family systems therapy very interesting. However, I will admit that I don't know if I fully understand it, but I would like to know more about it and get a greater understanding of the concepts. Exiles, managers, and firefights are all concepts I would like to grow in my understanding of. Van Der Kolk does describe these well by sharing examples of how these thoughts come to light. I was not pleased with how chapter 17 ended - I wanted to know more about Peter's story.
Chapter 18 starts out with a powerful statement, " It is one thing to process memories of trauma, but it is an entirely different matter to confront the inner void- the holes in the soul that result from not having been wanted, not having been seen, and not having been allowed to speak the truth. If your parents' faces never lit up when they looked at you, it's hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished " (p.298). This quote made me sad, and yet I know it's true. It is a good reminder for me to be aware of my facial expressions when working with trauma survivors. The section on revising the past was really interesting to read and I wonder how often clients feel comfortable in these settings - picking someone out from a crowd. I did, however, see the power in this exercise and how these family 'secrets' are like toxins. I feel like our culture today is pro - toxin-free living. But no amount of 'clean' products are going to make a difference if the toxin is on the inside.
I loved that you quoted that line from chapter 18. It is so sad, and something that we often forget how much our expressions impact those who really have suffered a great deal of trauma. I worked with kids who had a history of trauma the last few summers. I can remember one day coming in and being a little stress, and one of the kids I was working with was really concerned that he did something wrong and that I was mad at him. Such a good reminder to be consistent for those we are caring for!
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